I'm not sure where yesterday's question went - into the ether, I guess. It took some comments with it as well.
Anyway, here is today's ethical dilemma:
Love is often described as two halves coming together to form a whole. Romantic comedies and love songs tell us that we'll find the person who will make us complete, and then we'll marry him or her, have children and grow old together. But the idea of marrying our soul mate is a relatively new one; for many centuries, people married someone their parents deemed fit, and then they pursued love with others, no questions asked. Some people claim that rising divorce rates and high incidence of infidelity are proof that monogamy, even with someone you truly love, just doesn't work.
It can be hard to wrap your head around polyamory, if only because monogamy is set as the default for our society. To what degree should society and societal norms be the basis for your choices and behaviours?
Is it really possible to love more than one person? Don't people get jealous? And if we hardly have time to maintain one good relationship in today's busy world, how do people find time to manage three or four?
It mighte seem odd to love more than one person at the same time but is every relationship about love anyway? There might be some issues of jealousy but I think communication is the most important thing in all good relationships. This way both parties can get everything they want without heartbreak or misconception.
ReplyDeletePersonally, being in a relationship right now, it's horrifyingly hard to balance just ONE boyfriend with my lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteI think that love is the dedication of yourself to one person with whom you share everything with. If you find someone who also wants another person, or you have the lifestyle to balance many, I think it's fine to commit.
However it is not something I could or would do, because my personal belief is that my heart can only handle being in love with one person at a time.
I believe that as long as all the parties involved within the situation consent, and as long as no one is harmed by it, that polyamory is fine as long as it follows those guidelines
ReplyDelete^^ I love your answer. But just like you, I have to agree that I think people can love just one person. They can commit. Ofcourse we love more than one, like family and friends but thelove you dedicate to your partner or sould mate is a diffrent kind and I think you can only give it to one person. Although I would never commit, only cause I dont like living with people and sharing space but I do thinkkI could love a person forever. Society should not allow polygamy I htink its unethical because you cant ever find that perfect balanxce of dedicating your life to more than one person and whats the need of it? truly
ReplyDeleteFirst (not to seem like a broken record) one should define love. The love that people most often refer to has never existed- it is just authors romanticizing companionship.
ReplyDeletei know people who "give their heart away" very quickly. they said that they would die for the person, that they would marry in a heartbeat. the relationship lasted mere months.
so first one must be absolutely positive that what they are saying is love is actually love. then you have to discover whether or not the feelings are reciprocated. If so, then jealousy is most likely all that will come of such a tryst, for neither will want to share the other with any other.
then there is the deeper love, the stereotypical "romantasization" i referred to earlier, where it is more of a "caring" for the other person, in which case neither will probably ENJOY the concept of the sharing, but will allow it, for they care to deeply for the person.
to no degree should one make their decisions based upon social norms, but one must bear in mind that social norms exist for a reason. i see no reason why one could not have multiple... "romances" simultaneously, but very few that would survive it.
as for time... if you truly "love" the person, you will find time
A paulina: you said that is is unethical because it is "not possible". how does the possibility relate to whether it is right/wrong?
ReplyDeletewell if its not possible i guess itsnot right or wrong but people want to think that it is possible and because of it they make the choice of being with more than one partner which then becomes unethical.
ReplyDeleteWell to start ther is more than 1 type of love. You can love a member of your family or a friend. Family you usually never stop loving. A friend you can love in high school you may drift apart with in college but you will find other friends to love. Family you keep loving friends you may or may not.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion being in love with a man or women is not LOVE perce but having a mutual understanding of eachother, and feeling comfortable about it.
Its the same as friends you grow into a comfortable understanding.
That person you are in a relationship with can change easily and you may not like the new understanding so you will grow apart.
I think you can have many soul mates in your life but all at different stages.
For the other question managing more than one relashionship in modern day society seems very much impossible, especially with jealousy. But then again everyone is different, someone who doesnt care about school or much else might have time to have more than one relationship going at once. As for jealousy i dont believe much people can't be jealous it just comes in different variations for different people.
For me personally you cannot be in more than one personal emotional relationship at once because you are supposed to give everything to that relastionship, if your in more than one you have to split meaning it cant really be love in either.
I beleive that love comes in all shapes and sizes. If a person want's to love more than one person at a time, and everybody within that love triangle/square/hexagon is okay with that, then all the power to them. Yes, people do become jealous, but I beleive in dealing with that sort of situation when the time comes.
ReplyDeleteIf you are the 'jealous type', then maybe dealing with polyamory sort of relationship really isn't for you.
I agree with caitlin, I don't think that we need to make polyamory necessary or anything but if you think your relationship can handle it then why should anyone stop you?
ReplyDeleteI think it is possible to be in a polymory relationship based on what you define love as. My definition from above, couldnt be with more than one person, but someone else might find love just being exclusive or something, and in that case there is definatly an opening for polyamory
ReplyDelete@ abbirobb:
ReplyDeleteyou say that one could have several soul mates at different points of your life.
the definition of soul-mate that i am familiar with implies "life partner". if you are with the one for life, then you could not have the other-he/she could not be the soul-mate. so then the issue becomes, how can you be sure that your "love" is of the soul-mate variety? how can one say, with reasonable authority, how much they truly love another?
i dont think anyone can really say how much they love eachother. BUT i dont think you can for sure know its your soul mate. Most poeple when they fall in love think that it is forever, but it usually turns out it isnt. If they think it is forever with your definition then they think they are soul mates. Think of marriage people think they will be together forever, but, with ms cravens question divorce rates are high. They could have said it was forever and thought they were soul mates but turns out they wernt. A windowed person might have stayed with their past partner forever hadnt they passed away but they didnt so does that then not make them thier soul mate because they wernt together forever? And if that person were to marry again and die with eachother, then are they soul mates because they were together for the forever on earth?
ReplyDeleteThat is why i think there are many different soul mates in someones life because of the different stages.
First off, I believe that Love has many definitions, you can love a best friend, you can love your parents, you can love many people, but if its specifically a "soulmate", I think that not only is it emotionally exausting but unethical and a waste of time, how can you love more than one person? I mean yes its possible but what is gained from that? If there's a possibility that you're "getting tired" of said soulmate, why move on to another "soulmate" without breaking the chains with the last one? Isn't that kind of selfish? I mean maybe it would be fine if everyone practiced that, which wouldn't be as selfish, but I don't know, what do you guys think?
ReplyDeleteI think that it is very difficult to debate about 'love' because there are so many different definitions of it and different cultures and religions have different views and beliefs on it.
ReplyDeleteI think that we value love differently then we did 50 years ago when you basically married your high school sweetheart and spent the rest of their lives together.
We value lovely differently today, and I believe that we don't have as much appreciation for commitment to another person anymore.
I don't think that it is wrong to love more than one person at a time, given that society is changing and that people change pretty quickly as well.
^agreed with catitlin's last post completely
ReplyDeleteBut my question about polyamory is how would families work like if a marriage took place with three members would this be emotionally unhealthy for the children. I see polyamory relationships possible but not the most positive direction for society to head towards.
it is being assumed that the "love" is being SHARED by people in a poly-whatchamallit relationship. I think the questions assumes that the members of such a relationship are not "tired" of one another, but need both/all to feel complete.
ReplyDelete@abbirob-thank you for agreeing with me
@caitlen: i agree with you %100. Love used to be almost a way of life, an unattainability that all would strive for. Now love is a commodity. Just something to show off, like ones Ferrari. People never bother to THINK about their "love", but rather assume that it "is". i'd say all those divorces happen because one or another in the marriage start to think, and realize things they refused to acknowledge before.
i think too much thought is being given to loves definition- or rather, pointing out that their is another kind of love dedicated to friends/family. What about the various definitions possible in romance?
@caleb:
how would a poly-thing relationship be bad for a child growing up wit various parents? as long as the parents were getting along the kid should be fine.
Caleb- I totally see your point. But I do agree with kane. if that was the child's norm, then it would just be their reality.
ReplyDeleteto add onto what abbi said about more than one soul mate, I agree. someone's soul can kinda change. like, their essence. people's situations, surroundings, society changes and that can affect their essence.
ReplyDeleteso, someone who is your soulmate now could very well not be later on, because your essence as a person might change.
i agree with caleb,polyamory realtionships probably aren't one of the most universal norms. This is somewhat like gay and lesbian relationships , just a little more conspicuous. I remember when i was little I had a boy in my class who had more than 2 parents, he was tormented because of that and still to this day i don't understand. so i can see how it can be some kind of an emotional weight on a child.
ReplyDelete